Dear Confrontation

Have you ever confronted a friend and it's gone terribly wrong? Or maybe a friend has confronted you and you felt completely crushed by how hateful they were?


I've noticed in my lifetime that a great number of Christian women have been abusing Matthew 18:15-17, where the Bible gives instructions on how to confront another Believer that has sinned against you. Friends this should not be!

So today we are going to look at Matthew 18:15-17 as an example of how to understand and interpret scripture correctly. (If you missed the last post about misinterpreting scripture, click here to read it!)

Step one:  Pray. Repent of any selfish motives and ask the Holy Spirit to teach you as you read.

Step two:  Read the full context (full chapter) to understand what surrounds the verse you are studying.

Let’s try this.

Dear Lord, please be with us as we read. Forgive us of our sins, and create in us a teachable and humble spirit. Please reveal what you want us to learn from this scripture.

Please read Matthew 18 and then meet me back here.

Ok.

So quick run down. Matthew 18 talks about having humility like a child, the consequence of hurting God’s children, temptations, the lost sheep parable, how to handle conflict among believers, forgiveness, and lastly, the parable of the unforgiving debtor. I can already see an order to these topics and how they are all intertwined. Can you? (If you didn't read Matt 18, then go click on it now and read it!)

Nothing God does is thrown together last minute. There is order in all He does. So if you are upset at a friend and you read Matthew 18:15-17 out of context, you absolutely need to go back and read the full chapter, letting the Spirit teach you some things first.

Do you see anything special or interesting about the order of topics in Matthew 18?

This is what I see: Before I confront my friend who sinned against me, first I need to humble myself like a child.

When you were a kid did you hold onto grudges or were you best friends again by the next day? Kids typically get over things quickly and don’t have huge divisions among them. So the first thing God wants you to do in Matthew 18 is to learn this kind of humility. Don’t wonder who is the greatest, just be humble like a child with God and with others.

Secondly, it talks about what will happen to you if harm one of these "dear little ones." It says it's better to have a millstone tied around your neck and for you to be thrown into the sea than it is for you to cause one of His children to sin. So this is a warning, do NOT hurt His children. When you confront your sister in Christ, fear the Lord and do not cause her to sin!

The next part talks about the temptation to sin, and that if your eye causes you to sin it's better to cut it out than to continue sinning. God takes sin very seriously, and so should we. How can we apply this to confrontation?

Next is the parable of the lost sheep and then we get to the part of the scripture we've been waiting for. I love this parable because it speaks of how much God loves us. And in regards to friends, when one friend has gone astray and/or hurt us, we should be like the Father, going after them to find them and bring them home. Do you see how context can actually help you interpret scripture the way it was meant to be understood? God is so good at showing us this stuff, we just have to take the time to find it.

Now for Matthew 18:15-17. It says, ¹⁵ “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. ¹⁶ But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. ¹⁷ If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. (ESV)

Ok so for starters, this applies to you if a fellow believer sins against you. So first, Is the person who hurt you a Believer? Secondly, did they actually SIN against you, or did they just hurt your feelings? There is a big difference. Search the Bible for what counts as a sin. Some examples would be the 10 commandments. Some other sins can be slander, false accusations, etc.

Notice it also says “Go and tell,” this means it should be done in person. Or at the least over the phone if distance is an issue. No texting or emailing. I think we all have a story or two about how badly that went, and how we will never do it that way again!

Another thing to notice is the tone of this meeting. It says if you tell them the offense in private and they confess, you have gained a brother. The NLT says “you have won him back.”
It sounds like reconciliation is the goal here. You are essentially going to try and win your brother or sister back. So with that attitude, how would you speak? Would you accuse, name-call, point your finger and speak in anger?

NO.

This meeting with your fellow believer should be done with love, truth, forgiveness and the purpose of reconciliation. Meaning this is not a break up. This is not a time of petty issues and passive aggressive behavior. This is a time to let her know that you love her but you need to discuss something that she did to hurt you.

Do you have someone in mind right now that you've been thinking about confronting? After dissecting the verses, do you still think you should? Or is this something you need to go to the Lord about first? Is it something you need to work out within yourself (with God) because your friend didn't actually sin against you? Maybe she just doesn't see eye to eye on something with you and you need to let it go and pray for her?

Another thing to consider is that if there is too much emotion or hostility to meet, then sometimes both sides need to be still and wait. This could take days, weeks and sadly, sometimes years. As long as you forgive them (as the Lord commands) it’s ok to give yourself (and them) space and time. Ecclesiastes 3 says there is a time to be silent and a time to speak.

So lets say you've studied the verses, you've given it time, and you believe that they truly did sin against you and you must meet with them, how do you go about it?

Just remember when you meet to start with prayer. Be careful with your words. When a person has sinned against you, you must train yourself to care more about glorifying God than catering to your own feelings. This is hard, I know! I have failed at this many times! And there were also times when I did the right thing and the person still chose to walk away.

But then there are the beautiful moments when both believers were humble and mature enough to lovingly speak and receive truth together. There were sincere apologies and mercy. Forgiveness washed over both like the sunrise of a new day, and God’s glory shone bright. Getting through a tough moment with a fellow believer and coming out more like Christ is something to be celebrated! The enemy looses every time that happens.

Let’s make him lose more often.

Remember friend,

Biblical confrontation is not for you to say your piece, it’s for the ushering in of His peace.

Then, according to Scripture if they do not seek forgiveness and they continue the sinful behavior, THAT is when you gather another believer or two to confront them with you. Notice this order God gives us. If we deviate from this order and include other believers in on it, then it is GOSSIP.

Friends we have to take His Word seriously and be careful, otherwise we can hurt the ones God loves. We can cause them to sin. And do we remember what scripture says about that?? *shudder*

The rest of Matthew 18 is vital for moving forward with your friend. The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant is probably the most important parable in the Bible (in my opinion). It speaks volumes to how Christ has forgiven us beyond what we could ever earn or deserve, so who are we to hold unforgiveness over someone else's head? We must show others the same mercy He has shown us.

I really hope this study of Matthew 18 has helped you see there is so much more to Biblical confrontation than meets the eye. It is a serious thing that we have to get right. If someone you know needs to hear this, please share it! Too many Christians are hurting one another by misinterpreting His divine order and purpose throughout Scripture. Thanks again for reading, and please reach out for prayer if you need it! God Bless

Dear Miss Interpretation

What if you fully believed and practiced something from Scripture that was totally wrong??

One of our biggest mistakes as Christians is misinterpreting scripture. We’ve all been guilty of this at one time or another because let’s face it, we’re human! But...

...there are a few different reasons WHY we misinterpret God’s Word and I’d like to explore them with you so that we can all learn and help each other see the truth for what it really is.

#1 We don’t study God’s Word daily

This is probably the most common reason. If you are not reading God’s Word daily or every couple days, then you aren’t furthering your knowledge of Him, His character, His people, His law, and His love. So when we hear or read scripture, we may not understand it’s meaning because we aren’t familiar with His Word. We are easily led astray, thinking, Well that sounds good, so it must be God's way. Yikes, that's dangerous ground. If you stand for nothing, you will fall for everything.

Joshua 1:8 says,
  
Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do. (NLT)

Here are some more verses about how important it is to read your Bible:

Romans 10:17
Hebrews 4:12
2 Timothy 3:16-17
Psalm 119:11

#2 We try to comprehend Scripture through our own understanding

The Bible can be hard to understand sometimes, so we need help! Our first and best helper is the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is our teacher and can make the deeper meaning and understanding of scripture come alive! We need to ask Him for help every time we read the Bible.

1 John 2:27 says,

But you have received the Holy Spirit, and he lives within you, so you don’t need anyone to teach you what is true. For the Spirit teaches you everything you need to know, and what he teaches is true—it is not a lie. So just as he has taught you, remain in fellowship with Christ. (NLT)

So even though it says we don't "need" anyone to teach us, it's still biblical to receive teaching from someone with the gift of teaching. This secondary help can be a trusted Bible teacher, pastor, or friend.  But we must be very wise with who we trust to help us. If the person you are seeking help from has a false perception of God's Word, then what you're learning will be a false gospel!  If they are interpreting scripture from one of these 4 ways then turn and run!

There are also inductive bible study apps available that allow you to click on any verse/word and see the original Hebrew translation and meaning, to help further understand what the author is communicating in that certain passage, and it's so helpful!

#3 We try to interpret Scripture based on our modern view

Sometimes we forget that we have to consider the time, the audience, and the culture when it comes to scripture. We shouldn't say, "Well because God told Moses to free the Israelites from bondage, I'm supposed to do that too!" Actually, that was JUST Moses' job. But we can take the Biblical principal of finding freedom in Christ, and we can help lead people out of the bondage of sin and shame when they surrender their lives to Him.

Imagine a friend claimed that "God told her" to divorce her husband. But you know that the Bible says God hates divorce. You also know that there are only two reasons where God's Law allows divorce, and neither of those reasons apply to her situation. She then justifies it by saying, "God told Moses to kill people, so why couldn't he tell me to divorce my husband if He knew it was a toxic marriage?"

It's this warped way of thinking that "because God did something back then" (completely different from your situation now) then you can condone something you think He is telling you to do currently. Here is an excerpt from an article by John Piper on what made it okay for God to use His people to kill other people:
  
So God has his times and seasons for when he shares his authority to take and give life. And the church today is not Israel, and we are not a political entity. Therefore the word we have from the Lord today is, "Love your enemy. Pray for those who abuse you. Lay your life down for the world. Don't kill in order to spread the gospel, but die to spread it."

Killing and divorcing are two VERY different things. We have to stop taking God's specific actions for something and someone else,  and applying them to what we want. Some things were specific to Israel or for a certain person. Not everything in the Bible was written FOR us, it is simply a retelling of another believer's journey with the Lord. Thankfully though, as readers we can take the biblical principle from the story and apply it to our walk with the Lord.

#4 We view Scripture through the lens of our pain or our desires

This is a big one. Women are often very guilty of this. When we have emotional heart ache and we search scripture for answers, sometimes we only see what we want to see.  I remember a few years into our marriage I felt lonely and regretful for marrying my husband. I didn't feel like I got the man I had prayed for. He had completely changed as soon as the pressure of supporting a family kicked in. Instead of loving him through it and remaining a godly wife, I focused on my own pain and disappointment. I searched the Bible for justification for a divorce. I found Matthew 19:8 which says, He (Jesus) said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. (ESV)

So being a disappointed wife, wanting peace and clarity on what to do in a difficult marriage, I twisted this scripture to cater to my wants. "Well, Jason's heart is hardened, so I guess it's okay with Jesus if we get divorced!"

WRONG.

Jesus was explaining that divorce was never God's plan. It's because of man's sin that Moses finally allowed it for certain circumstances. It doesn't mean God wants it or would "call" someone to do it. He doesn't call people to sin. He's GOD.

Do you see how your pain or desires can make you twist Scripture into what you want it to say?

I urge you Believer, to consider these points. Before staking claim on a topic, search His Word. Be sure you aren't looking through hurt, greedy, or modern eyes, but with a humble and teachable heart, ready to learn through the gift of the Holy Spirit.

It's true that no one is perfect, but we can get a lot better at studying scripture and understanding it's meaning by at least knowing what NOT to do. There are so many issues that Christians face in today's world, and we need to know where God stands so we can navigate through them in a God-honoring way. As a true Believer, you want to stand in alignment with God and what He says, not what YOU say.

I pray for God's wisdom and the Holy Spirit's teaching as we practice reading and interpreting His Word everyday!